Who says attorneys don't have a sense of humor. I like a good attorney joke as much as the next guy (unless, of course, the next guy is the President of the American Bar Association).  

On this page, The Aleagle Perspective presents (among other things) a forum for the etiology of those attorney jokes - the confounding legal machinations of our legal system - executive, legislative and, of course, judicial, as well as the jokes themselves.  Also presented herein are the little oddities that make life so laughable.

Submit your own anecdotal stories - even an occasional attorney joke in good taste [Feedback] or borrow one from below for your next cocktail party - just don't forget where you got them!  If you like the humor, tell people it came from The Aleagle Perspective; if it sucks, tell people it came from "Yahoo!"

The Laugh's On Us!

A Brief Primer On The Difference In Law Schools

While arguing a particularly intricate case before one of our Orange County jurists, I received a furtive tug at my coattail from opposing counsel.  "Meet me in the hallway during recess", came the whispered voice of the inimical brethren.  "I need to speak with you."

During the recess, I approached the attorney in the hallway.  "Did you attend Case Western Reserve University School of Law", he queried.

"Why, yes I did", I replied.  "How did you know?"

"Well", he said, "I could tell by your mastery of the law, your eloquence in speechification and your exceptional ability to elucidate and persuade that you went to one of the top law schools in the country, and Case Western Reserve University School of Law came to mind."

"Well, thank you", I replied.  "And I'll bet that you went to U.S.C. Law School, didn't you?"

"Why, yes I did", he responded - his chest visibly expanded with pride.  "How did you Know?  By my mastery of the Law?"

"No", I replied.

"Then, by my eloquence in speechification?"

"No", I retorted.

"Then it must have been my exceptional ability to elucidate and persuade, right?"

"No", I again responded.

"Then how did you know I went to U.S.C. School of Law?" was his incredulous response.

"I saw the name on your school ring while you were picking your nose in court!" I said, and slowly turned on my heels and re-entered the courtroom.

[... Don't know 'bout you but this tongue-in-cheek amendment to our legislation, is somewhat disconcerting...to say the least!]

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00:

    370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse.  If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power,
helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
          Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
          Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
          Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
          Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
          Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.

370.11 It is illegal to strike attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

370.12 Endangered Species Provision - Honest attorneys shall be protected.

Thanks to C.L, Northridge, CA

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well", she said, 

 "Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I
miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"

"Duhhhh!, she replied. "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Thanks to R.G. - Fullerton, CA

Quickies

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?   She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Thanks to M.P. - Fullerton, CA

Thanks to A.L.. - Yorba Linda, CA

Thanks to W.P.. - Fullerton, CA

Thanks to E.P. - Irvine, CA

A lawyer opens the door to his brand new Porsche on a busy thoroughfare to fix a flat tire when a speeding car sideswipes him, ripping the door off at the hinges.

A motorist not far behind stops and informs the lawyer that he got the license number of the recklessly driven car, and the lawyer says, "What good is that going to do, my brand new Porsche is ruined!"

"Your new Porsche?" queried the motorist in amazement, "I'd have thought you would have been more concerned about your arm - it's torn off at the elbow."

"Damn!" says the lawyer, looking down at his bloody stump - "My Rolex is gone!"

*   *   *

How can you tell when a lawyer is being manipulative?  His lips move.

*   *   *

What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?  Three and one-half  pounds ... including the urn.

*   *   *

A lawyer is standing in line at the bank when the man behind him begins to massage his  shoulders.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" the lawyer queried.

"I'm sorry", said the second man, "but I'm a massage therapist, and sometimes I just can't help myself."

"Well, I'm a lawyer", he retorted. "You don't see me screwing the person in front of me, do you?"

Thanks to B.D. - Fullerton, CA

Thanks to W.P. - Fullerton, CA

Thanks to S.B.. - Brea, CA

Legal Oddities & Anomalies

Even napkins can't hide the ugly truth!  The French, birth place of classy eating, hide a dirty little secret - "Ortolan Crunch".  It's reported that, contrary to the law, upscale restaurants serve little endangered species for dinner. Little budgies, called ortolans, are fed large amounts of flour and cognac while kept in the dark until suppertime (not theirs).  Then, as only the French would understand, the tiny birds are drowned and baked in their own fat.  Patrons, holding the little crispy darlings by their beaks, eagerly plop the little sizzlers  into their mouths and crunch away - bones, et al.

How do they get away with this barbaric practice?  They hold napkins over their salivating maws and hide in shame.

And we're called "The Great Satan"???

Maybe not, but at least her playthings are in storage.

A 31 year-old woman is on trial for killing her husband.  Her husband's body was found in a wooden toy box in storage.  Her defense? ... she didn't kill him; she just panicked after finding him dead in their Rancho Cucamonga apartment, loaded him in the jury-rigged coffin, and then she dragged (pushed, pulled, etc.) the 250 lb. coffin to the storage locker.

The defense is expected to demonstrate, a la Christopher Darden, that she could have moved the heavy box.  

"If she can make it move ... you must approve!" [familiar?]

Food For Thought !

This should quiet all the critics who say that attorney's are too highly paid - not to single-out anybody in particular - you know who you are!

A recent survey in the International Financial Law Review 1000 shows the average American lawyer charges only about $280 per hour (those fortunate enough to have this office represent them know that we charge much less, and based on what I've seen out there, provide much better service).  U.S. attorneys didn't even make the "top 10".

If you're Belgian, you could expect to pay $313 per hour, or you could hire Hercule Poirot to do the dirty work!

Are you a Swede?  Even the "socialized" attorneys there charge $373 per hour.

Their lawyers may be smaller and color-coded, but the Japanese pay their mouthpieces an average of $350 per hour.

Germans don't fair much better now that the Berlin Wall's down, either.  Their hourly attorney's fees are up to a whopping $510.  But not to be outdone...

If you're a Brit, well, then you shell out an average of $585 per hour.  Congratulations, that's a worldwide high!

A recent article in the Seattle Washington Post-Intelligencer concerning
accidental deaths caused by physicians from research of Laura Key. This
triggered a chain of thought that resulted in the person cruising the web (not me) for doing some statistics and doing a few calculations:

    Number of physicians in the US -700,000
    Accidental deaths caused /year - 120,000
    Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
    Number of gun owners in the US =80,000,000
    Number of accidental gun deaths/year (all age groups) =1,500
    Accidental deaths/gun owner =0.0000188

    Therefore, doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners.

It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A:
        Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists.  He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
        He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:
        He is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these three candidates would be your choice?

     Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

     Candidate B is Winston Churchill

     Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

If you knew the following about a woman who was pregnant, would you recommend to her that she have an abortion?

- She already had 8 kids!

- Three of her eight children were deaf!

- Two of her eight children were blind!

- One of her eight children was mentally retarded! and 

- She had syphilis! 

          [pregnant pause...while thinking]

If you said yes, she should have an abortion - - -

          Whoops!  You just killed Beethoven!

How would famous people answer rhetorical questions?

     Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay ! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this  abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?
                     Did he cross it with a toad?
                     Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
                     But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die. In the rain.

REV. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:  What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of that Chicken.

EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define "chicken" please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and He saw that it was good.

COLONEL SANDERS:  You mean I missed one?

What do you say to the cook at a Buddhist fast food hamburger joint?

Make me one with everything!

When faced with a problem, one's education may very well determine the answer given; case in point:

A philosophy major would say:  "What purpose will it serve?"

A science major would say:  "How should we design it?"

An engineering major would say:  "How can we build it?"

An accounting major would say:  "How much will it cost?" 

A marketing major would say:  "How should we advertise it?"

A liberal arts major would say:  "... Do you want fries with that order?"

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

7. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

8. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

It may seem that I pick on Southerners [see deep south], but in reality, they bring it on themselves.  I mean, seriously, can you imagine taking orders from your "red-neck" sergeant? Or, would you want your cardiac surgeon to be named "Bubba"?  What follows is an operative "red-neck" glossary of useful medical terms.

---Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
---Artery......................... The study of paintings.
---Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
---Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
---Caesarian Section........ A neighborhood in Rome.
---Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
---Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
---Colic............................ A sheep dog.
---Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
---D&C............................. Where Washington is.
---Dilate........................... To live long.
---Enema.......................... Not a friend.
---Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
---Fibula.......................... A small lie.
---Genital......................... Non-Jewish person.
---G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
---Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
---Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
---Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work.
---Medical Staff................ A Doctor's cane.
---Morbid......................... A higher offer.
---Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
---Node........................... I knew it.
---Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
---Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
---Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
---Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
---Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
---Rectum......................... Damn near killed him.
---Secretion...................... Hiding something.
---Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
---Tablet......................... A small table.
---Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
---Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
---Urine.......................... Opposite of "You're out."
---Varicose....................... Really near by

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":  Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 

Thanks to W.P., Fullerton, CA

Ever wonder where some of our vernacular stems?  I have it on good authority that ...

- Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

*************************************************

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water".

*************************************************

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

*************************************************

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

*************************************************

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence
the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed at the entry "thresh hold".

*************************************************

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate
vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a
month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

*************************************************

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that
happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

*************************************************

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often
with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.

*************************************************

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they 
would get "trench mouth."

*************************************************

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper
crust".

*************************************************

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

*************************************************

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house
and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".

Thanks to B.D. CSUF

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1.  On Sears hairdryer:  "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

2.  On a bag of Fritos:  "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside".  (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3.  On a bar of Dial soap:  "Directions:  Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)

4.  On some Swanson frozen dinners:  "Serving suggestions:  Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)

5.  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):  "Do not
turn upside down".    (Oops, too late!)

6.  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:  "Product will be hot after heating".  (As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8.  On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:  "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could  do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get  those 5-year-olds with  head-colds off those forklifts.)

9.  On Nytol Sleep Aid:  "Warning:  May cause drowsiness".  (One would hope)

10.  On most brands of Christmas lights:  "For  indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)

11.  On a Japanese food processor:  "Not to be used for the other
use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious). 

12.  On Sainsbury's peanuts:  "Warning:  Contains  nuts".  (NEWS FLASH)

13.  On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts."  (Step 3:  Fly Delta).

14.  On a child's Superman costume:  "Wearing of  this garment does not
enable you to fly."   (I don't blame the company I blame parents for
this one).

15.  On a Swedish chain saw:  "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".  (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)

16.  On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:  "Do not use on
food." (Hey mom we're out of syrup!  (It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

17.  On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."  (Oh please have you ever heard about  someone dying from swallowing a little  toothpaste?)

18.  On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids ....Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)

Thanks to R.R., Fullerton, CA

Guess Who???

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over
500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving. Can you guess which
organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Thanks to E.P., Irvine, CA

 AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying "he lacked intellectual leadership."  He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! 

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Thanks to W.P., Fullerton, CA

Thanks to E.P., Irvine, CA

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

5. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321

17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson . Most of the rest signed on August 2d, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

19. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

20. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

21. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

22. The nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosy" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very bad, so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."). People from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? 

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

Thanks to W.P., Fullerton, CA

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand

10.If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

Vive La Différence!

[This section is devoted to the precept that men and women are separate and distinct species who merely happen to be sexually compatible!]

Nicknames
     If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head
and Useless.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush,
tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337  A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

Arguments

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

And Finally...

Any married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
   female: Any part under a car's hood. 
   male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
   female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
   male:    Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
   female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
   male:    Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
 
BUTT (but) n.
   female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes  "look  bigger."
   male:   What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun,
             or goal.  Also good for mooning.
 
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
   female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
   male:   Trying not to pick up other women while out with the
girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
   female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
   male:    Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)  n.